walls

feeling lower than usual. feeling like nobody understands. feeling like my walls are too tall and way too thick. feeling like i can't bring them down. how do you even begin to do that? i don't tell anyone how i really feel and how much i really hurt, except my husband and my psychologist. my nightmares are tormenting me. my spirit is withered. my heart hurts. i want to cry but i can't. i stayed in bed until 5pm yesterday. my escape.

there's really no way to reach me. cause i'm already gone.

i'm praying, pleading, for relief. for feelings. for warmth.

i'm exhausted.

thankful for...

since i use my blog mostly for complaining, i thought it would be nice and good for me to write a post about what i'm THANKFULl for. following in the thanksgiving tradition.psh.  although i'm bursting to talk about all the hard things going on right now. but this is a THANKFUL post. i won't talk about how my computer broke and it's going to cost $150 dollars and we barely have enough to make rent. nevermind fixing a computer. i'm THANKFUL for a sweet friend who has let me use her laptop for almost a week now. who knows when i'll get mine fixed. i'm missing it. terribly. it's sad. sad as in pathetic. but i'm not complaining, right? sigh.

and i won't complain about the fact that nathan is never home. ever. and how i'm dreaming of a date at caffe capri complete with wine and dessert. but like i said before, we're squeaking under the wire with basic bills. so no $40 meal for us. where is my husband. i've forgotten what he looks like. but i'm THANKFUL for our marriage. and for his drive and discipline to work so hard at school. and the opportunity to go to such a wonderful university to get an education.

and i won't complain about how my 4 year old pooped in his underwear today at the park. because i'm THANKFUL for my sunny, joyful, precious, and eternally active, little aidan. if i look deep enough into his eyes, my heart jumps to my throat and my eyes mist up.

and in the spirit of being THANKFUL, i won't tell you about my 2.5 year old who has mastered tantrums. and doesn't hear me when i yell lovingly instruct him. and who bit me today. because i took a nap with him today, and woke up 20 minutes early and watched him sleep. he looked angelic. he may be my little oliver stink, but i'm so so THANKFUL for that precious little boy.

also, not complaining, my medicine is driving me up the wall. i can't sleep, i can't have sex with my husband and like it, and i can't focus on anything. but i'm THANKFUL i'm not in bed every day wishing i wouldn't wake up. and i'm THANKFUL there are doctors and medicine to help. in a way i'm THANKFUL for my depression. it makes me feel alive. and i'm THANKFUL for this blog and this outlet for me to share some feelings about it so others know they're not alone. as alone as i feel right now. i know i'm not. thank you, internet.

i've had nightmares every night for over a week. i won't share details, because you'd have a nightmare. they're terrifying. and i've had so.many.this.week. i'm told i have them because i have dark and deep feelings inside me and i'm creative. and this is how it's expressed. and i need an outlet. but i'm THANKFUL for my creativity. that's about all i can be thankful for with that one.

i feel uneasy and not at peace about the decision to go into the marines. but i'm THANKFUL for my healthy husband who wants to fight for my freedom. and who want's to contribute. because i'd never want to do something like that. what a special man he is.

i'm THANKFUL for aidan's school and all he's learning there. i'm THANKFUL we've been healthy so far this school year. what a blessing. i'm THANKFUL for clean carpets and an abundance of toys for my children. i'm THANKFUL for the state providing us with food and medical benefits. i'm THANKFUL for friends. and love. and laughter.

happy thanksgiving.

twloha

To Write Love on Her Arms is a non-profit movement dedicated to presenting hope and finding help for people struggling with depression, addiction, self-injury and suicide.  TWLOHA exists to encourage, inform, inspire and also to invest directly into treatment and recovery.
-mission statement taken from www.twloha.com  

for me and for the million other people writing 'LOVE' on their arms today. rescue is possible. help is available. i did it for my boys.

***

in completely non-related news...got up this morning, put the boys in the car...and it wouldn't start. my car has been broken for weeks, so i've been driving nathan's car. he was supposed to be at work at 8. it's 9:50 and he's still out there working. he rode his bike to napa to get some parts. i hope he can get it fixed! a friend had to come get me and the boys to take aidan to school, he was 45 minutes late and i forgot to feed him breakfast. because it's morning. and i'm not on top of things. oops.

red sam

warning...brutal honesty ahead...

here i stand
empty hands
wishing my wrists were bleeding
to stop the pain from the beatings
and there You stand
holding me
waiting for me to
notice You
but who are You
You are the truth
i'm screaming these lies
You are the truth
saving my life
the warmth of
Your embrace
melts my frostbitten spirit
You speak the truth and i hear it
the words are
i love you
my hands are open
and You are filling them
hands in the air

and i worship
-flyleaf

don't be scared. i'm not suicidal. there. got that out of the way.

i've been thinking about God a lot lately. where am i? where is He? i feel Him. i want Him. i'm nowhere near where i want to be, but i'm closer than ever. believe me? better try.

we attended a church of christ here in college station for almost 2 years. for many..some infurating..reasons...we left. abruptly and without explanation. i never regretted a second. i've struggled the entire time we've lived here. with faith, God, and life. i feel clearer now than i have in a long time. i feel stronger now. and truer.

it's not just the medicine...although..sadly..i think it's part of it. i say sadly because i wish i could be "normal" and "clear" without it. but whatever. it's working. kind of. ugh.

when i was in high school i would cut myself with my own fingernails. and occasionally a pen. i once carved a boys' name into my stomach. my doctor jumped when he saw it. and my mother got the worst look on her face i've ever seen. i cut "X"s onto the top of my hands once day. it's just part of it. i haven't done it in awhile. and i don't want to. i feel like i'm finding solid ground. i may still be groping in the dark...but i'm finding it. depression will not beat me. but it's an exhausting battle.

i was at the grocery today and someone from the church we used to attend in college station came up to me and interrogated me as to why we left and where my soul was headed. i smiled and gave vague answers. i wanted to tell her it was people like her that made me leave.

i want to be real. i want to know what i believe and why i believe it. i want to be consistent. and true. i want to give love and show peace. i don't want to attend a church because my grandparents do. or my parents do. or because it's all i know. towards the end of our attendance at that church all i saw were fake people and shallow answers. walking on eggshells for everyone and not really truly knowing anything.

maybe i'm too cynical. maybe i'm just too alive.

there were some wonderful people there. the people nathan and i most respect are there. i'm not criticizing the church of christ. i'm not criticizing the one here in college station. it's just what i saw after 2 years of attending regularly.

i see how God has directed my life. i could have never predicted it. i've been challenged more than i thought i could ever bear. but here i am. believing more than ever. walking in darkness but not feeling alone. i feel blessed by the few people close to me in my life. i've been affected by many evil actions, thoughts, and people. but here i am. alive.

the nightmares haven't stopped. 3 this week now. i hate waking up to the images. scared and shaking. but holding onto faith. which means they're not real. and only tests. and only there to torment. one was of me hurting myself. the worst. well...besides the demon ones. ok. they're all bad.

my relationship with my parents is not what i hoped it would be. my relationship with my children is not what i dreamed of it being. my relationship with my husband surpasses every fantasy i ever had. my relationship with friends is...well non-existent. what little relationship is there isn't what i thought it would be. my relationship with God is slowly becoming the only consistant one. slowly. i said slowly.

i may be cynical. i may be judgmental. i may be depressed. i may be introverted. but i'm alive. and i'm happy. did i just say happy?! yes. happy. content. moving forward. wow. can you even believe that?! maybe it's just tonight. but it's a start.

creative/love

 action shots :)

what i made for t-luv. it's his name spoken into a sound wave thing. fun. creative.

also for irma, just a little something extra i did. it was a lot of fun :) and easy! so if anyone else wants one of those, $10 :) 

bow holder for irma. colors turned out crummy but it's light blue, light green, chocolate brown, light purple, and a darker teal-ish blue. i'm kind of proud of how it turned out!

Your hands that shaped the world. are holding me still.

i have unanswered prayers

i have trouble i wish wasn't there

and i have asked a thousand ways

that You would take my pain away

i am trying to understand

how to walk this weary land

make straight the paths that crooked lie

oh Lord before these feet of mine

when my world is shaking

heaven stands

when my heart is breaking

i never leave Your hands

-"Your hands" by JJ Heller

it's a beautiful song, download it!

tomorrow is a day that i knew was coming. tomorrow is a day i'm not ready for. tomorrow is a day that's been 2 years anticipated. tomorrow is a day that's been argued and discussed about for hours. tomorrow is a day that has been proceeded by hundreds of tears. tomorrow is a day that's been prayed about and pondered. tomorrow is a day that fulfills a childhood dream. tomorrow is the day nathan swears into the marines.

he's still got a whole big process to go through, he's still in the application process. so it's not 100% official and won't be until after his training is completed the summer of 2011. but we're far enough into it that i can talk about it online. all the people close to me know, but it's something i didn't want to talk about on my blog until the process was officially started. and that day was last friday when he turned in his application to the marines. tonight he left at 6pm for houston for 'meps'. he'll have to be up at 5am and swear in before he returns to college station late afternoon. the day will be full of physicals to make sure he's fit and able.

he's applied to be an officer and plans to go onto flight school to become a pilot for the marines. the time line generally looks like this: this summer (2010) he will go to west virginia (i think..) for a 6 week training course. then the next summer he'll do the same thing, 6 weeks in west virginia. he'll graduate december 2011 (Lord willing...please oh please). he'll immediately leave for a training that will last 4ish months. i can't go, so i'll either stay here and finish out the school year for the boys or go to abilene. after that he has another training that will last 4ish months again. (sorry i'm so sketchy on those details..) that one i can go to, but what's the point of moving the kids for 4 months? after that it's on to florida or corpus christi for flight school. assuming he gets in and everything goes as planned. flight school can take up to a year and a half. i'll go with him for that. after that, he'll be stationed somewhere...and so on and so forth...for the next 10 years.

nathan is excited. it's his dream, he should be. he lights up when he talks about planes. he cannot wait to fly. he has so much passion for it all. he can't wait. he's researched and spent hours online gathering information. he's talked to so many people, both in the service and out. he's done his homework for sure. he's made sure we'll be taken care of. he's ready.

me? how do i feel? lots of things. i'm struggling with it. i'm angry about it. sometimes i'm hopeful about it.

the good: it will be an adventure. i'll make great friends, and meet many other women in the exact same position and point in life. (which i've found is very difficult to do. most women with children my kids' ages have beautiful homes. pedicures every other week. husbands who work and come home at 6. shopping trips. and enough money for all of it. not that it's all about money. but it makes a difference.) i'll get to watch my husband, whom i love more than i can stand, fulfill his dreams.

the bad: (get ready.) i'll have to feed my children with the money my husband earns by designing planes that are built to destroy life. i'll have to watch my husband put his country before God, before me, and before our sons. i'll have to pull my children out of school and move them every 3 years. he could die. (can't wrap my brain around that one.) i feel cheated by it. i feel like it's unfair. he has to get that awful, disgusting hair cut. for 10 years. (shallow. yes. but he has beautiful hair. and i like it scraggly.) i have to put off my school for another ____ years. (being a single mom and all..) i never. ever. ever. wanted to be a military wife. i also never wanted to be raped at 17. or a mother at 19. or a waitress while i was pregnant with my second child. at 20. or a 23 year old with only 14 hours of college credit. so i guess God is showing me who's in control, huh?

i have strong feelings about it. i still don't feel at peace about it, and am nowhere close but i'm trying. i'm struggling to adjust my attitude. i couldn't ask my husband to give up something he so badly wants. i have to just trust. and love. and respect. and honor. and be proud of the wonderful man who supports and loves me unconditionally. and who feels called to serve his country.

halloween and air show

yesterday was a big day. we headed out early in the morning for houston for the wings over houston airshow. we parked in a metro park and ride area and rode a charter bus to the airshow. we left college station at 8:30 and didn't get to the air show until 1pm. nathan was frustrated because we missed a lot of flights. :( i felt pretty bad since it was mostly my fault. there were so many people there...i don't like crowded places like that, but the planes were neat to see. my favorite thing was seeing nathan so excited. he's so passionate about flight and airplanes, it was so good to see him in his element. he could answer all our questions and he was just loving it.

we saw the blue angels and they were amazing. their formation was so tight and flawless. incredible. bottom row far left is a c-17 and it's a massive plane. it carried obama's motorcade to college station when he came. when they're in the air they almost look unreal. the middle one is a guppy...i'm sure it has an official name, but that's what nathan called it. nasa uses it to transport rocket parts. guppy is an appropriate name, don't you think? funny looking plane. there were stunt planes, even one with a woman standing on the wing while the stunts were performed. i'd never seen anything like that. there were world war two planes, fighter jets, modern fighters, military aircraft, planes that take off vertically, all kinds of stuff. it was incredible!

we got back in time for a pizza and trick-or-treating. oliver didn't want his picture taken most of the night. obviously. they made adorable little superheros. :)

nathan's parents left today. the boys had a blast with them. building forts, putting out (pretend) fires, carving pumpkins, eating at chick-fil-a and watching lots of batman. we had a great weekend together, nathan and i were so thankful for the time to be out of the house and away from the kids.

last night was the first night i've gotten to sleep in weeks. the meds have been giving me trouble with sleeping but last night i broke down and went to heb to get a sleep aid. i got tylenol's simply sleep (which has no painkillers in it) and took half a dose. it helped tremendously. i actually got to sleep. and i woke up this morning refreshed and not exhausted. it helped that we had an extra hour to sleep :)

off to another busy week.

menial.

my to do list reads like this today: (just in case you wanted to know the menial tasks that lay ahead of me this october 30th)

• clean bathroom (like CLEAN. not wipe over with a clorox wipe. don't even judge.)
• parent-ify bedroom (yes i actually wrote that on my list. all of you married folk get it. when you've got in-laws sleeping in your marital bed for 2 nights, you've got to hide the slutty stuff thrown over the lamp. and the undies. and the handcuffs. and the whips. and the pictures. and the whipped cream. and the boa in the closet. and the board-game-turned-nasty. not that we have ANY of that stuff. they'll never know. just pictures of sunsets and a flowery bedspread. and turtlenecks. for your peace of mind, we only have 4 things on that list.)
• vacuum all rooms
• mop
• kids laundry
• grocery
• hang stuff (not self. stuff. like pictures. i don't even know.)
• make cookies (snickerdoodles to be exact. want some travis?)
• bank
  
• drop off utility payment

how long have i known the in-laws were coming? (over a month) and known about the air show? (about 6 months) and known about being kicked out of our apartment for 2 days? (2 weeks) and known about halloween? (20 years? give or take a few)

i suppose it'll all happen whether the floor is mopped or not. i'm such a procrastinator. it's an illness. and here i am, blogging about my lack of discipline.


positive things (it's part of my therapy. bwahahaha): superman and batman will look adorable on saturday. i'm excited to take them trick-or-treating and filling their veins with sugar. then sleeping at someone elses house while my in-laws get up with them 4 times during the night. my ipod is fully charged. spending the day in houston watching planes. and filling NO sippy cups. on top of that it's supposed to be a BEAUTIFUL weekend (weather-wise). but the best thing? an extra hour of sleep on saturday night. YES. YES. YES.


the next post will have pictures of my little superheros :) and probably a few airplanes.